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Steven Tyler’s Shower Spill Not Drug-Related, He Claims

Walk this way…to the O.R. to get dental surgery. In a call to the Today show’s Matt Lauer this morning, Steven Tyler denies that his recent nasty fall was the result of drug use, blaming instead a bout with food poisoning. “I started to get sick, and I just fell on my face. I just passed out,” he explained. When Lauer pressed him, asking, “But you’re clean and sober, that’s not the issue?” Tyler confirmed, “No, it’s not the issue.” It’s never a good sign when the lesser of two evils is severe food poisoning, but considering how intense Steven Tyler’s drug problem used to be, we’ll take it!

Steven Tyler’s shower fall earlier this week left the Aerosmith singer bloody, bruised and missing two teeth, which sort of works for his look, but still! “I get that people think that,” Tyler says, referring to people’s assumptions about his drug use. “It still bothers me a little, but it’s something that I have to deal with for the rest of my life.” Hmm, could Tyler’s fall have something to do with the fact that he weighs 85 lbs soaking wet, not including all those scarves? The second his hair got wet, the man wouldn’t be able to lift his head anymore. That’s must be what happened. Case closed!

[Photo: WENN]

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Kanye Will Not Grace The Today Show Stage With His Presence, Thanks A LOT, Matt Lauer

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We always thought the Today Show was a benign, inoffensive morning program, but it has been in the news so many times in the past two weeks, we’re starting to think they’re pulling some kind of ratings stunt. Namely because of this never-ending George Bush-Kanye West-Matt Lauer debacle that will not die. (Sorry, Good Morning America, you need to start up some beefs of your own if you want us to care about you.) As a result of Dishing-It-Out-But-Not-Taking-It-itis, West is refusing to perform as scheduled on the Today Show‘s November 26 episode.

To recap, first, Bush told Matt Lauer that what Kanye said after Hurricane Katrina about how W doesn’t care about black people was the worst thing to happen during his presidency. So then Kanye told Lauer he was sorry. Then Bush told Lauer he accepted the apology. Yes, a separate interview for each moment of this ridiculous, five-year-old non-issue. But it’s not over! Because Kanye is upset (perhaps you read his Twitter rants?) that the program ran distracting footage of Taylor Swift-gate during his interview and West says he felt like Lauer “tried to force my answers.” So because Kanye feels used, last night he Tweeted “I’m not performing on the Today Show for obvious reasons. I’m so happy the world got to see just a small piece of “the set up.” West also wrote “All positive energy … all smiles. Much love to Matt and the whole Today Show. I accept ya’ll future apology in advance LOL!”

The Today Show confirms that the gig is canceled, but Lauer has not responded personally because, LOL, he’s smart enough not to get into Twitter fights with a guy like Kanye.

[Photo: WENN]



Only Kanye’s Twitter Understands Him

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We tried to go a full twenty-four hours without posting on Kanye West antics. Really we did. But he is too strong. We can’t fight him anymore. Damn you, Kanye.

The rapper is unhappy with how he was treated while filming an interview with Matt Lauer, during which he clarified his feelings on former President George W. Bush. Lauer showed only a short clip of the interview to Bush on a live Today Show discussion this morning, in which Kanye explained, “I didn’t have the grounds to call him a racist. But I believe that in a situation of high emotion like that, we as human beings don’t always choose the right words.”

Seems OK to us. But according to Kanye, something happened during his interview taping that pissed him off. So he confided in his closest friend: his twitter. And quite frankly, we were kind of disturbed by the tortured soul he poured out. In one hour he dropped 17 tweets, each one more haunting than the last.

“While I was trying to give the interview they started playing the ‘MTV’ under me with audio!!!!!!! I don’t mess with Matt Lauer or the Today Show…” he wrote. “HE TRIED TO FORCE MY ANSWERS. IT WAS VERY BRUTAL AND I CAME THERE WITH ONLY POSITIVE INTENT? I feel very alone very used very tortured very forced very misunderstood very hollow very very misused. I don’t trust anyone but myself! I can’t be everything to everybody anymore. I can’t be everybody’s hero and villain savior and sinner Christian and anti Christ! I create, I’m creative, I have a good heart, everyone will see and understand one day.”

Someone give this man a hug and some valium. But then he continued his descent into Twitter feed madness by wishing that the spirit of The King of Pop was hooked up to a social networking device.

“Everything sounds like noise!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! EVERYTHING SOUNDS LIKE NOISE!!!!!!!” I wish Michael Jackson had twitter!!!!!! Maybe Mike could have explained how the media tried to set him up!!! It’s all a f*cking set up!!!!!”

Even after all that, we still have no idea what possibly could have offended Kanye so deeply. But look on the bright side, Kanye! George Bush says he’s cool with you now. That’s gotta count for…something. Hug it out, fellas.

[Photo: WENN Images]

Congrats Kanye, You Ruined Bush’s Presidency

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This week in We Sh*t You Not Corner, former president George W. Bush has stated that Kanye West’s “Bush Doesn’t Care About Black People” rant at the Katrina benefit telethon was the “worst moment” he faced in his presidency. Really? Of all the tough moments, THAT’S the one? Nice try, wars and economic collapse.

The former president taped an interview with Matt Lauer earlier this week to promote his hotly anticipated memoir, Decision Points. The controversial discussion is set to air next week, but EW.com is reporting that Bush was devastated by Kanye’s comments. “He called me a racist ,” he explained, “And I didn’t appreciate it then. I don’t appreciate it now. It’s one thing to say, ‘I don’t appreciate the way he’s handled his business.’ It’s another thing to say, ‘This man’s a racist.’ I resent it, it’s not true.”

Bush’s memoir apparently labels the incident the worst moment of his presidency. When Lauer asked if he still felt that way, Bush was adamant that the words did still sting. “Yes. My record was strong I felt when it came to race relations and giving people a chance. And it was a disgusting moment. I faced a lot of criticism as President. I didn’t like hearing people claim that I lied about Iraq’s weapons of mass destruction or cut taxes to benefit the rich. But the suggestion that I was racist because of the response to Katrina represented an all-time low.”

Do you feel it’s odd that Bush labeled a moment where he was personally insulted as his leadership low point, instead of something that actually affected the country? Well, you’re probably not alone. Lauer warned Bush that he might catch some flack for the comment, to which the statesman characteristically replied, “Don’t care.”

OK, granted, it can’t feel good to get called a racist on national television. Especially if you’re in politics. But being a president has got to be a pretty tough job, with some mindblowingly difficult challenges. If any ex-president EVER says that the worst moment they had to face was some rapper calling him a bad name, then they either had the most boring administration in history, or they’re being a smidge sensitive. And even though whether or not it was his fault is up for debate, I think we can all agree that George W. Bush’s term in office was anything but a snooze.

Jeez, way to go Kanye. You spoiled the guy’s presidency. Things were going great, and you had to go hurricane on his parade. Bummer. We guess this makes the whole Taylor Swift thing seem not as bad, huh? Maybe Bush will write an angry song about Kanye. Or he’ll just have CIA agents put flaming bags of dog crap on his door every day for the rest of his life (they can do that, you know).

[Photo: WENN Images]

Where In The World Is Matt Lauer? Probably Not With His Wife

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We’ve heard about the sexcapades that occur between athletes at the Olympic Village, but we never figured that the journalists sent there to cover the events would get in on them. Looks like Matt Lauer may prove us wrong, at least according to reports in the National Enquirer. The Today Show host has reportedly left the home in New York that he shares with his wife Annette and their three children after Annette accuesed him of hooking up with at least two female broadcasters at the Vancouver Olympics this year.

This isn’t the first time the couple has had problems – Annette filed for divorce in 2006 but withdrew the petition because she was pregnant with their third child. Matt allegedly screwed around on the poor woman just before they were married in 1998 as well. While in Vancouver, Lauer is said to have stood up his wife on Valentine’s Day, instead opting to hang out with his colleagues. You know, we’ve never really thought about what the hosts of the Today Show do in their spare time, they always seemed like blank slates to us. Now it’s taking all the strength we have to not think about the sex lives of Ann Curry and Al Roker.

[Photo: Getty Images]

Matt Lauer Injured By A Deer

Oh sweet, sweet, slow news days, how we love you. Without you, stories like this would just slip through the radar! But today we can celebrate this glorious tidbit – that revered news journalist Matt Lauer was injured this weekend, after swerving on his bike to avoid hitting a deer.

The Today Show host separated his shoulder on Sunday after flipping over his handlebars. He is having surgery to patch things up, which means he and his bald spot will be back to make the news sound better than it really is later this week. [Us. Photo: Splash News Online]

#69: Tom Cruise Loses His Cool

Tom Cruise was once a famous movie star. He made great movies like Risky Business and Top Gun. But then he married Nicole Kidman. Hollywood’s most popular star and a tall blonde Australian? Nobody believed the marriage was real. Tom further alienated his public with his involvement in the Church of Scientology.

Tom put more nails in his own coffin following his 2001 divorce from Kidman. First he dated Penélope Cruz. Hollywood’s most popular star and a Spanish bombshell? Nobody could believe it was real. Cruise further alienated his public when he made movies like Vanilla Sky. Then Cruise dumped Cruz and announced he had fallen in love with Katie Holmes. Hollywood’s most popular star and the beauty from Dawson’s Creek? It stank like a publicity stunt.

But Tom was determined to prove the world wrong. While guesting on Oprah, he got so excited over his romance that he jumped up and down on her couch. “That’s how I feel about it! Really!” he cried. Sorry, Tom. Not buying it. And nobody wants to see a short man acting like a drunk leprechaun.

Cruise went on a rampage. He wagged his finger at Matt Lauer on Today as he preached Scientology’s anti-psychiatry gospel and slammed Brooke Shields for battling depression with meds. With “jumping the couch” entering the lexicon, getting people to see a Tom Cruise movie became a Mission: Impossible. Lions for Lambs was stillborn in theaters, and the upcoming Nazi flick Valkyrie is scheduled to open on the twelfth of never.

Zac Efron, we hope you’ve been paying attention. — Charles Bottomley