American Idol: Goodbye, Ruby Tuesday

Two things: Number one, can there just be a moratorium on all things Kesha? Every writer forced to type her name already refuses to add the dollar sign out of spite, so can we also just agree, as a nation, that she’s awful and shouldn’t be allowed to sing anymore too? And also, who is this Orianthi person and why was she a performer on American Idol last night? Forgive us if she’s super famous and we’re one “Get off my lawn!” away from being completely ancient and obsolete, but we have never heard of her and weren’t impressed by either performance on last night’s results show.

In other Idol news, we did find out who the first person to get kicked off was, and for once this year, the bottom three was dead on.

Lacey Brown, Tim Urban and Paige Miles were the contestants with the lowest number of votes this week, and ultimately it was Lacey’s Sharon Osbourne hair and precious voice that got kicked out of the Idol mansion. Unusually, her farewell song, while not very good, was still miles ahead of Kesha and Orianthi’s performances. The Judges’ Save is back this season too and, not surprisingly, they did not want to use it on Lacey. Also, we almost forgot to mention David Cook’s return, but that’s because it was forgettable. Something’s up with his hair though, right? It looks…funny.

Below, we rank the contestants based on their performances this week and how we think they compared to the previous week. We feel like bookies or something. This is what bookies do, right? Maybe?

Out of the competition: Lacey Brown.

11. Paige Miles (-3 spots from last week) Paige battled laryngitis this week, but still didn’t have a “moment” or whatever Simon Cowell’s term for proving a person has stage presence is.

10. Tim Urban (no change from last week) We knew Tim’s looks would save him over the course of this season, we just didn’t realize how strong the power of his looks were, because his song sucked this week. HARD.

9. Michael Lynche (-7) At one point, Big Mike was a favorite, but he proved this week that even he is allowed to be off his game. We haven’t totally given up hope though (because we fear him and his biceps).

8. Katie Stevens (+4) We pegged Katie as too young for this competition, but her version of “Wild Horses”, while not mind-blowing, was much better than we thought it would be. She and fellow tween Aaron Kelly were definitely most improved for this week.

7. Andrew Garcia (-1) Andrew was solid this week, although his pronunciation of “children” during “Gimme Shelter” bugged us. It doesn’t take much to make us cranky, have we mentioned we are 85? The old man in Up was based on us.

6. Casey James (-1) Casey did well, but he was nothing to write home about. We’re just glad Kara wasn’t inappropriate with him this week.

5. Didi Benami (+3) Her voice isn’t our thing, but she gave the judges, and America, apparently, what they wanted and chose a dark song instead of something overly poppy, which would have been obvious.

4. Lee DeWyze (-1) A solid but still Dave Matthews-y performance from Lee this week, which means he will simultaneously be beloved by half of America and loathed by the other half, and John Edwards will want to get married to it.

3. Aaron Kelly (+8) Aaron got way too many Justin Timberlake comparisons this week (or, you know, one, but it was still one too many) because unlike JT, he’s hardly a triple threat (let’s just see how well he can carry an SNL sketch). Still, he proved his voiced isn’t always a shaky mess.

2. Crystal Bowersox (-1) Crystal is still our fave, but she could have stepped it up this week and put more into her performance. Instead, Siobhan managed to steal some of her thunder.Still, we love her for defending her lack of ego, she seems kind of awesome ,in a refreshingly normal way.

1. Siobhan Magnus (+3) Proving that she’s the new Adam Lambert and one of the voices to beat, Siobhan is a force to be reckoned with for vocal power and creativity. And use of the stairs.