American Idol: Girls Aloud

American Idol was a glorious hour-long blur last night, with each of the eight female contestants performing and minimal filler and banter in between, but that also meant less junk to make fun of, so we’re just analyzing the performances today. They were all decent, but the night’s front-runners were some of the usual suspects, Crystal Bowersox, Siobhan Magnus, as well as a surprisingly decent Didi Benami. Unfortunately some of the other contestants came down with a case of “Who Am I As An Artist?”-itis, which, according to the judges, is fatal. Read on for a recap of each performance.

Katie Stevens chose to sing a Kelly Clarkson song, which we always think is risky to do on the Idol stage since Clarkson is one of the most successful and talented singers not just to come out of the show, but in the current musical landscape. Stevens gave a weak performance of “Break Away” which, bless her 17-year-old self, said she identified with because “I do live in a small town and I’m trying to break away from that.” Simon Cowell told her she “sucked…all the air out of the room”, complete with a dramatic pause designed to give the poor girl a heart attack.

Delightfully weird glass-blower Siobhan Magnus sang “House Of The Rising Sun”, a song that is inexplicably popular on this show. We dug it for her vocals but didn’t think it was her best work, and Simon agreed, saying “it didn’t have that moment from last week” when she sang “Think”, and admitted “it was a bit weird”. The other judges loved it and, thankfully, Randy Jackson acknowledged that by consistently not taking the judges advice, Siobhan was doing herself a favor. Not doing her any favors, however? The pink shellac lip gloss.

Lacey Brown has what we can only describe as a waifish pixie voice. Close your eyes and she’s Tinkerbell on acid singing these songs that are delicate and lovely and ever-so-slowly boring us to death. The judges loved her version of “The Story” though saying it was her best performance to date. Which is nice, but still, her voice is too fake-sweet (Aspartame?) for us.

We first heard “I Feel The Earth Move” by Carole King it was during an old filmstrip in high school about the importance of poetry. So yeah, we’re dating ourselves by acknowledging that filmstrips were still in use when we were in high school, but we’re also giving you some background about why this song has never hit that hard with us. It is but a soundtrack to a filmstrip, and Katelyn Epperly’s performance of it was no improvement on the first time we heard it. Randy then proved that, fashion-wise, he only pays attention to his own Cosby sweaters, by telling her he liked how she was rocking that Carole King hair which, uh, is her regular hair.

Didi Benami got back some of what she lost last week – all it took was a 70’s song swap. She made a farce out of “Lean on Me” in her last stage appearance, but turned “Rihannon” into something she owned as she played guitar along with it. Kara DioGuardi told her it was one of the best performances of the season before forcing and mention of the song she wrote, “Terrified”, which Didi sang during Hollywood Week. We get it, Kara, you write songs. You didn’t see Paula Abdul constantly referring to MC Skat Kat every week, did you? And Ellen DeGeneres doesn’t try to dance her way into our hearts on Idol, she knows there’s a time and place for that. Take a cue.

You’d think that singing a song called “Smile” penned by Charlie Chaplin wouldn’t turn out such a depressing performance, but that’s exactly what happened when Paige Miles sang it. Paige has given good performances in the past but this was pretty terrible. Simon called it a “peanut performance,” as in what the people at the motel bar snack on while listening to the mediocre singer in the lounge. We call it a “Call the front desk and complain, we can still hear that damn singer through the paper-thin walls of this Holiday Inn Express” performance.

Per usual, Crystal Bowersox gave us another performance from the guitar-slinging songwriter oeuvre (this time it was Tracy Chapman’s “Give Me One Reason”), and she killed it. She also proved once again that she has a point of view, though as much as we love her voice, we do wish for some variety. There’s only so much Etheridge-Crow-Chapman we can take. If she pulls out the Indigo Girls next week, we might have to boycott. Other than that, we love her. Randy even loves her so much he was speaking almost entirely in doubles when he told her “Listen, listen! This is what this show is for. I’m a fan! I’m a fan! That was hot! That was hot!”

We don’t understand the appeal of Lilly Scott because she just seems like a less “caw!”-prone Megan Joy from last season with her quirky tattoos and trilly voice, but the judges dug her. Kara told her she made Patsy Cline feel current, but Simon told her it didn’t have the wow factor. Please, oh please God, let that be the name of the Americanized version of The X Factor.

The judges emphasized the importance of last night’s performances, as these determine who will get into the final twelve, and we think that even though they all felt pretty safe, we’d be surprised if Katie Stevens and Paige Miles advance. Tomorrow night is the final guys’ night performance, hopefully they’ll take notes after tonight and bring it a little harder than the girls did.