Hollywood Week: “Don’t Be Boring, Don’t Be Nervous, And Don’t Forget The Words”

After last night’s episode of American Idol (which was brought to you by Vitamin Water Zero, conveniently served in cups painted to look like heady beer), we think every week should be Hollywood Week. We got the first appearance of Ellen DeGeneres, who was stern and helpful but never cross, a la Mary Poppins. We learned who coasted through the early auditions based solely on their quirky charms, sad family stories and/or split pants, but we also got a chance to see who could hold their own, and some of these folks held up beautifully. Also, there was quite the abundance of guitars, huh? We approve!

4. No More Tears

Proving that a sob story can’t get you everywhere, some of our early favorites with weepy backgrounds didn’t make it to the next round. Maddy Curtis, the sixteen year old with four brothers who have Down Syndrome didn’t cut the mustard and left in tears after singing an unrecognizable and insanely boring song. And we had always wondered what Stevie Nicks crossed with a yellow warbler would sound like, so at least we can cross that off our bucket list after hearing Vanessa Wolfe. The Tennessee native who got to ride on an aeroplane to the big city to realize her dream also swiftly realized that “No Rain” shouldn’t be sung unless there’s a Bee Girl nearby. She just as swiftly got booted back to her moonshine-filled bathtub.

3. Axe Men

Out of the 95 auditioners who made it through to the next round, about 78 of them brought guitars with them to L.A. (there are about ten Lost jokes we want to make right now about mysterious guitar cases – we’ll refrain) and the ploy worked. These guys were good! Some of the best songs we heard were people putting their own spin on old songs, and if Andrew Garcia, the guy who made us love “Straight Up” more than we ever did in fifth grade, doesn’t make it to the top ten, we’ll be the ones with an ax to grind. Janell Wheeler’s rendition of “American Boy” kicked all kinds of ass, too.

2. The Fallen

Remember that episode of Seinfeld where Jerry had a big mixup because he mistakenly thought he was talking to a woman on the phone when really, it was her high-talking boyfriend? That’s the same vibe we got when we heard keyboard-playing Justin Williams sing his croon-y song in the key of F for Female. Williams was, excruciatingly, the only contestant in his round onstage not to advance which made it hurt even more. A couple of other early-round contenders whose dreams were stomped on included beatboxer Jay Stone who p-p-p-peaced out early on, dominatrix-dressing Barney girl Carla Rhodes, and the hairdressing sisters who can now go back to teasing hair and whatever other body parts neon-clad hairdressers in New Jersey tease.

1. We’re On The Fence

Lilly Scott – yea or nay? We can’t decide. Cute, quirky, and heavily peroxided though she may be, her performance was pretty good, although she has that weird Megan Joy Corkrey trill to her voice that makes us think she’s one “CAW!” away from escaping out a window. We’re also not sure if we like Mary Powers, the woman with a daughter who loves Simon Cowell and who herself looks like she can’t wait for The Runaways movie to come out to glean some new fashion tips. (Did anyone else notice her high heeled sneakers?? What???) She sang the crap out of a Pink song, but it would have been more impressive if she did it in a sequined unitard while doing a Cirque du Soleil routine like Pink does.

Tomorrow night we land in the ever-tense group night situation. We don’t foresee any Tatiana Del Toro-style mental cases, but there are tears and smeared mascara from the looks of it! We love Hollywood Week!

Stray observations:

• We reported a while back that Michael “Big Mike” Lynche gets thrown off the show because his father spoke to a local paper – and last night we learned that he missed his firstborn child’s birth to audition. Could this guy have worse luck?

• When Didi Benami told the judges she was singing a Kara DioGuardi song, and later Simon said “I liked that”, Kara actually responded “You did?? You liar!” and being all flushed and embarrassed like “You looove my songwriting, Simon!” and ignored Didi. Remember her, Kara? She’s the girl who was just singing? We guess that since there’s no Bikini Girl around, Kara needs to pull focus wherever she can get it.

• It wasn’t entirely necessary to see dreadlocked Crystal Bowersox get a tattoo of her son, but it did make us realize Bowersox is the best name ever. Bower. Sox. Bowersox!

• Ellen DeGeneres, puttin’ the kibosh on the barefoot maxi-dress wearer! Yes! Thank you! You WILL get worms, girl.