John Mayer Solves Tiger Woods’ Sex Problems

John Mayer knows about sex – after all he can’t play his guitar with having multiple orgasms (in the face, at least), and he’s scored with a lot of hot ladies – Jessica Simpson, Jennifer Aniston – and broken some hearts along the way. Thus we think his real talent lies not in guitar playing (though yeah, he’s good) but in offering up advice on all things fornication. John got particularly blabby about the subject in a recent interview with The Independent, rambling about Tiger Woods‘ marriage, dirty text messages, and wearing his future wife’s ass on his head like a hat. No, really.

“Tiger Woods’ problems come from him being married. The end. It has nothing to do with control. If Tiger Woods was a single guy, what sort of angle would there be to a text message? If Tiger Woods was single, and he texted a girl and said ‘I wanna wear your ass like a hat’, why would that ever hit the news? I can text whatever I want to anybody in the world; I’m not married. I write a lot of dirty text messages to girls, and you’ve never seen any of them. Why? Because if a girl brought a dirty text message from me to the newspapers, they’d say ‘I don’t have an angle here. Someone wants to wear your ass like a hat? Big deal. He’s 32 years old. He’s a single guy. If John Mayer has a wife and sends dirty texts, then we got a story.’ And that’s why I won’t do that. When I get married that’s gonna be my vows, ‘Do you, John Mayer, take this woman to have and to hold, to wear her ass like headgear?’ Yes, I do – you’re the one whose ass I wanna wear like a hat for the rest of my life.”

Se what we’re talking about? Mayer’s verbal diarrhea is more epic than his guitar solos. And now we finally know why he dumped Jennifer – he just didn’t want to wear her ass like headgear for the rest of his life. What a shame – it’s so toned! [Photo: GettyImages]