John Mayer Not Over Jennifer Aniston, Masturbation

Poor, poor Jennifer Aniston. Plenty of women have had men back out of a relationship by saying they think she’s great, really, really…but they’re just not ready to commit. But how many exes show up shirtless on the cover of Rolling Stone, saying their relationship just didn’t “arc over the horizon” and announcing they hope to find “the Joshua Tree of vaginas”? A+, John Mayer. A+.

“I’ve never really gotten over [our break-up]. It was one of the worst times of my life,” said the blues balladeer to RS. “I have this weird feeling, a pride thing, for the people I’ve had relationships with. What would I be saying to Jen, who I think is f—ing fantastic, if I said to her, ‘I don’t dislike you. In fact, I like you extremely well. But I have to back out of this because it doesn’t arc over the horizon. This is not where I see myself for the rest of my life, this is not my ideal destiny.’” So who does he want to romance? “All I want to do now is f— the girls I’ve already f—ed, because I can’t fathom explaining myself to somebody who can’t believe I’d be interested in them, and they’re going, ‘But you’re John Mayer!’” OK…and failing that? “I am the new generation of masturbator,” he explains. “I’ve seen it all. Before I make coffee, I’ve seen more buttholes than a proctologist does in a week…I have masturbated myself out of serious problems in my life. The phone doesn’t pick up because I’m masturbating.” Hilarious. Guess we missed the boat by not picking John as one of our Ten Rolling Stone Cover Stars John Mayer Needs To Bang.

[via OK!/Photo: Rolling Stone]