Kris Allen Wins Idol! No One Can Believe It!

If only every American Idol episode was as good as THIS one! Is everyone as stunned as us that Adam Lambert didn’t win? (The judges sure seemed to be!) We’ve been anti-Adam all along but we always expected him to win so it was okay to feel that way. Now we’re just speechless. Except not really … Part two of the season eight finale was so jam-packed and full of entertainment, nary a moment could be called filler. Ryan Seacrest warned us on Tuesday to set our DVR’s to go overtime (Idol even showed up in our DVR as running till 10:07pm which we thought was hilarious – sorry Fox 5 news, hope there were no new swine flu developments today!) and we figured it would be loads of crappy appearances and 20 renditions of the already-hated finale song “No Boundaries.” But it was so much more. We have 10 favorite moments for you, but right now we need a moment to regroup from all this excitement. Way to keep us entertained, Idol. HOLY SHIT. Kris Allen!

Continue reading after the jump.

10. The Top 13 Rises Again!

The entire Top 13 took the stage for the opening number, a cover of Pink’s “So What,” looking partly like house painters and partly like extras in the Clockwork Orange gang. Even though we dealt with group numbers all season long, the awkward choreography, confused solos and way too many people on stage made us cringe more than usual – plus, Scott McIntyre is back so he needed a spotter, and when we heard Jasmine Murray’s solo we realized how right America was to vote her off early. We’ve made the realization that group numbers just sound like school chorus, and the only people who enjoy that are the parents.

9. The Golden Idols: Be Gentle With Me

How awesome was the awards portion of the night? The Golden Idols, or The Idies as we’re calling them, were some of the night’s truly fun moments, especially because it meant the return of our personal favorite, Norman Gentle. In the category of Outstanding Male performer, Seacrest showed an assortment of this year’s duds, including Nick Mitchell and his sweatbanded alter ego Norman, who was the winner of the golden statuette. Feigning surprise, Nick/Norman acted flustered before ripping off his hoodie and crawling over the stage and the judges seating area. Even if it’s just for a fleeting moment, we’ll take whatever Nick/Norman we can get.

8. Golden Idols Part 2: Kara DioGuardi Redeems Herself

In part two of the Idies, the award for Best Attitude went to Katrina Darrell, a.k.a. the unforgettable Bikini Girl we couldn’t stop talking about all those months ago. She proudly showed up to accept her award and Ryan, focusing on Bikini’s only assets and saying what we were all thinking, said “I was gonna ask you what’s new but I think I know.” Score one for Ryan! We enjoy a good boob joke. But not nearly as much as we enjoyed Bikini’s version of “Vision of Love” being hijacked by Kara, who actually does have decent pipes, at least compared to Bikini. Kara out-sang Bikini, who looked PISSED that her stage time was being sabotaged, and then Kara tore open her dress revealing a bikini of her own. We didn’t see that coming, but we kinda loved it.

7. The Last Golden Idol: Del Toro Takes The Stage

For one more moment of the the good old days, the Idie for Outstanding Female went to Tatiana del Toro. We got a montage of her craziest moments, followed by Seacrest telling her there was no time for her to accept the award since they were running behind, so in a stagey moment, Tat ran to the stage, stole his microphone and forced yet another version of “Saving All My Love” on us before being “handled” by “security” and cut off. We assume it was all for show but there’s the lingering thought that Tatiana is just crazy enough to hold up the entire finale

6. Star-studded Songs

Lil Rounds awesome performance with Queen Latifah came too late. She killed it during “Cue the Rain” – everything about her performance was everything she never delivered while she was on the show but at least she reminded us she can really sing. And does Cyndi Lauper age? Regardless of her secret Dorian Gray skin serum, she and Allison Iraheta sang “Time After Time,” and it too was a really nice performance – Allison we missss youuuuu! Also, Steve Martin, Megan Joy and Michael Sarver? Merriam-Webster will be updating the definition for “WTF” with a picture of that trio. We liked the appearances from Jason Mraz and Keith Urban, but the Fergie/Black Eyed Peas moment we could have done without. At least hearing Megan Joy sing “Glamorous” made us realize Fergie does have an ounce of talent. (Half an ounce?) And when Ryan said about the Peas “THAT is why they’re #1!” we giggled because we remember when Fergie made a #1 in her pants.

5. Party! Karamu! Fiesta! Foreva!

Danny Gokey and Lionel Richie, together at last! When we first saw Danny forlornly sitting on the lucite Idol steps singing “Hello” we just knew it meant an appearance from Lionel. Jambo time! But unfortunately it was less Jambo and more “Whaa?” when the two sang what sounded like the jingle for a cruise line with lyrics like “You can just chill, let me make your meals, let me do everything for you cause you deserve it.” Were these lyrics written by Kara?

4. The Technical Difficulties

Maybe it was the hype of the show or the fact that Ryan was talking about all the millions of viewers tuning in, but we got an awful lot of bad microphones and feedback during the first half of the show. At one point the camera even tuned out of a performance and got stuck on an Idol logo – come on guys! Get it together, it’s the finale! Or hadn’t you heard?

3. You Can All Just Kiss Off Into the Air

Adam hit it off with Kiss during a “Detroit Rock City”/”Beth”/”I Wanna Rock n’ Roll All Night” medley while wearing…the skeleton of a burned angel? the frame of whatever Judy Dench wore under her dress as Queen Elizabeth in Shakespeare in Love? We actually enjoyed this Adam moment, he was in his element – maybe the Kiss makeup and platforms has been what was missing for us this whole time. Honestly, after that performance we were ready to hand him the the title, so imagine our shock at the results.

2. Advantage Adam? Guess Not.

While talking to a friend earlier, she was annoyed that Adam gets the dry ice and leather coat budget while Kris’s performances are usually pretty pared down, so obviously Adam had an advantage. We agreed that it wasn’t totally fair, but we also could never see Kris actually using fog for effect so maybe it was no big deal. However the unfairness factor worked its way in last night when not only did Adam get to perform with uber-theatrical prototypes Kiss and Queen, plus dry ice and crazy costumes, but Kris doesn’t even get to sing with Jason Mraz, one of the guests who Kris clearly emulates. We guess in the end, all the bells and whistles don’t really matter.

1. We Did NOT See This Coming.

OMG OMG!! Kris Allen is the winner! During our live-blog last night, we assumed some poll-tampering was going on because the final results from our readers was 65% in favor of Kris, who knew it was actually accurate? We’re thinking that Gokey fans ended up swinging the vote, but we also are a little curious to know if Adam’s sexuality has anything to do with his loss (God, we hope not, but we have a feeling in the pit of our stomach). It was pretty clear that everyone in the Nokia Theater and beyond was shocked at this win and we have no doubt that Adam will find work soon, but what say you all, was this the outcome you expected? Finally, our horrible minds immediately wonder if the Vegas oddmakers are betting against Kris’ marriage. We sure hope those his-and-hers aprons were not embroidered in vain! Good luck Kris and wife and Adam and the rest of you singing rascals!

Finally, big thanks to everyone who read and commented this season! Sorry to have been such an Adam-hater the whole time – if his loss proves anything, it’s that it really is a mad world.