Citizen Scandal: Pizzeria Owner Pistol-Whips Customer Over Returned Calzone

Forget Super Mario Bros.—in Palm Coast, Florida, Goombas hop on you. Richard Phinney found that out the hard way when he and roommate Richard Capie returned an incorrectly topped calzone to Goomba’s Pizza. Owner Joseph Milano invited the refund-seekers inside to discuss the matter, promptly cracked Phinney’s skull with a 9 milimeter and lept over a countertop to deliver an ass-kicking free of charge. Beats ya, beats ya!

Capie and Phinney quickly fled the scene and returned with police. Milano told the authorities that the pair had pulled him over the counter, but the security tape showed them standing perfectly still when Milano gave a refund they couldn’t refuse. Now Papa Joe is up for assault with a deadly weapon. “I don’t even want to go out to a fast food place now because I don’t know what to expect,” said Phinney. Somehow we think he’ll gather the courage to super size again.