Citizen Scandal: Scientists Test “Horny Goat Weed,” Hope To Improve Boners

Hey, impotent health nuts! Here’s a chance for peen to go green. A new study in Italy suggests that “horny goat weed,” a Chinese herbal remedy that’s already available in most health food stores, could well be a “natural” alternative to Viagra, with considerably fewer side effects. Finally, our long national nightmare is over.

Yes, we may not have found a cure for cancer, autism, or any number of diseases, but we’ve got scientists working aroung the clock to reaffirm that the easy-to-purchase “horny goat weed” is a worthwhile alternative to Viagra. Science will not rest until every man has a fully-functional rocket in his pocket with no side effects, while women take hormone-adjusting pills to accept all this excess sperm without getting pregnant. When you start noticing all the goats in male enhancement TV ads, you’ll know who to thank.